01.16.09
Posted in Uncategorized at 3:36 am by cla-uplb
Since coming back to school this January, I feel like I’ve been living in a mega freezer. I keep complaining of course especially since I cant adjust the my room’s airconditioning. Outdoors, there’s a certain chill in the air, with the sky overcast and looking as if its going to rain anytime soon.
But secretly I love the cold. I love the feel of the wind whipping at my hair and face; I love the excuse to wear a sweater and layer my clothing. I love the feeling of being cocooned in something warm.
I love the numbness that the cold brings. I like how the cold numbs my face. I have an excuse to walk faster, unmindful of other people. I like the numbness that seeps into my body right through my heart where I don’t have to feel anything at all – no pain, no grief, and no joy either. Cold, stone cold. Such sweet relief.
I have an even greater excuse to just stay in bed and sleep and dream of a place where things are fine and dandy and definitely not cold.
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01.13.09
Posted in Uncategorized at 1:47 am by cla-uplb
A friend said that in order to regain myself, I need to go back to the things I am passionate about – hence the entry. I guess he was afraid that if I spend too much time moping around I just might give in to those suicidal thoughts.
I love showbiz. I share my mom’s interest in Showbiz Central and The Buzz. I used to buy all those showbiz magazines, reading about who’s currently dating who and who wore the best and the worst during an awards night. My first ever dream job in the TV scene was to be an entertainment talk show host. If you ask me, I think I probably secretly idolized Christy Fermin back in grade school. (hihihihihi)
And because I love showbiz and because there was nothing to do during Christmas break (well, it was more the case of there-was-nothing-I-wanted-to-do), I spent the holidays digesting showbiz stories and gossip, one after another, from Ok! Philippines to Yes, from Showbiz Central to The Buzz. I especially like the exclusives on the celebrity break-ups of Vicky and Hayden (we’re tight), Karylle and Dingdong and Jolens and Bebong. Come to think of it, people actually go on a retreat after a break-up? Just out of curiosity, I’d like to know where one goes to for such things. (eheheheh)
It amazes me how people come up with an amazing array of reasons for breaking up: third parties, pregnant third parties, the I-need-space excuse, too busy work schedules and sex videos. Yes, sex videos. Wow! In my twisted mind these are nothing but extended manifestations of the simple truth: I don’t want you anymore. Well, well, well…
Anyway, by now you should know that this entry is nowhere anything developmental. Heck, I’m not in any mood to be ‘developmental’– now or in any future entries. Let’s just say that I reserve that kind of talk in my classroom lectures. But in this blog, I’m pretty much a useless piece of rambling, suicidal entity.
So back to my ramblings…
My friend got married last weekend. Now, this one’s a nice piece of good news after all those break-up stories I fed myself with this Christmas. I have never seen two people who deserve each other. So perhaps there are happy endings after all. 
And speaking of happy endings, perhaps I just might buy myself one of those mini, compact TV sets for news-watching this year. I definitely would like to get a good dose of those smart, preppy, chinitos in glasses.
Oh well. Now I probably sound like Dolly Carvajal in her PDI column. Oh heck! I definitely have a lot of catching up to do — my mind’s as messed up as scrambled eggs.
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05.27.08
Posted in Uncategorized at 4:37 am by cla-uplb
matagal na din akong hindi ulit nakapag-blog. pagod na ako mag-try mag-Ingles, kaya mag-aattempt akong mag-tagalog naman. basta ayaw ko mag-isip muna ng words ngayon kahit pa kasalukuyan kong kinababaliwan ang word factory or boggle (tama ba spelling ko?) or skrib-age…or whatever it is na tawag dun.
malapit na ang june at sa kasamaang palad, bente-singko na ako. waaaaahhhh! hindi ko lubos maisip na dadating ako sa ganitong edad. naku, parang yun lang yung edad nung mga teachers ko noon dati, or nung mga tita ko na may mga asawa na ngayon, o kaya’y yung mga kasama namin sa bahay. mantakin nyo nga naman, dadating din pala ako sa ganitong edad.
ang feeling ko tuloy ngayon ay parang kelangan ko na magmukhang adult. weh. kasama dun yung magkaroon ng some sense of maturity daw. weh ulit. at mag-kilos na parang bente-singko. isa pang weh. anung ibig sabihin nun? dahil sa totoo lang, late bloomer nga ako di ba? kaya feeling ko hindi pa ako adult in the truest sense of the word, whatever that means ulit.
nasa gitna ako ng isang quarter life crisis. weh. ang drama naman. ako lang naman ang ma-drama dito eh. anu ba yan! anyway, nasa gitna nga ako ng isang quarter life crisis kung saan hinahanap ko ang gusto kong mangyari sa aking buhay sa mga susunod na taon. gusto ko pa bang gawin ang mga ginagawa ko ngayon? mahirap ata mawala sa isang mundo na nagbibigay ng security. ang pag-alis ay nangangahulugang panibagong buhay - fresh start kung baga. hindi ko alam kung handa ako para sa buhay sa labas ng aking mundo ngayon. weh. isa kang madramang tao ngayon, joclarisse! anu ba!
pero sabi nga nila, hindi mo malalaman kung kaya mo kung hindi ka lalabas. at syempre, sa totoo lang may mga gusto akong bagay na gawin na mukhang hindi ko ata magagawa sa aking mundo ngayon. baka naman pwedeng lumipat na lang ako sa mars or sa jupiter? ako lang ang tao dun. odabah!
nakakapagod minsan magpaka-galing. eh hindi naman ako ganun ka-galing. anu ba! sila lang nagsasabi nun. (weh. minsan wala nagsasabi. syempre, sa puntong ito ay fishing lang ako for compliments. eheheh). seseryosohin nyo ba ang isang taong katulad ko na ganito mag-isip ngayon?
feeling ko nasa limbo ako ngayon, hinahanap kung saan ako pwede pumwesto ng maganda para mas makuha yung optimum churvah - kung anu man yun na hinahanap ko. parang ang lost ko ngayon noh? oo talaga!
sa kasamaang palad, kung kelan pa ako magbe-bente-singko (at ngayo’y inaasahan nang isang ganap na adult) ay saka pa ako naging ganito ka-lost sa direksyon ng aking buhay. weh.
kapag maging permanent endings na, babalitaan ko kayo. hehehe.
isa lang ang sigurado ako ngayon. gusto ko YUMAMAN!!!!!! wahahahaha!. sa aking mga estudyante, wag ninyo akong gayahin.
ma-drama ka talaga, joclarisse! teka nga, sino ba kausap ko dito? sarili ko o kayo? tama na nga. sa susunod na lang.
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01.11.08
Posted in Uncategorized at 8:52 pm by cla-uplb
Allow me to join the throng of school kids
being asked to write about their New Year’s Resolutions for lack of anything
else to do on the first days after the holidays (the hang-over’s still high and every one’s still trying to get back in
the mood for work).
live one
day at a time.
(the workload never ends anyway and I
really do want to have a peaceful sleep at night – that means not bringing any work
at home and not losing sleep worrying about work )
Less
junkfood, more veggies
Junk
plastic, RECYCLE and go green (even if it means buying
a bottle of conditioner now to cut down on piles of plastic sachets)
love
myself more, my family and that one special person who deserves only the best
save, save, and what else but…SAVE
be
more generous (I
gotta learn to give gifts without wincing at the price)
take
more walks
have more
faith
read more, write more
smile and
be friendly
I’d like to become a better person this
year (seriously), if not for myself then at least for my family and the people
I love. I hope these resolutions will give me the focus I seem to have lost
last year. And well, short of being dramatic, this is also the time for me to
sit down and think about what I really want and figure out the things that
really matter.
Happy New Year!
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11.26.07
Posted in Uncategorized at 4:29 am by cla-uplb
It’s a month to go before Christmas. It’s also many, many, many months ago since my last entry. I won’t talk about my ‘adventures’ in the months I’ve been stagnant. Let me start with now instead.
I’ve been listening to Josh Groban’s Christmas album since I bought it, well, yesterday after much agonizing over the album’s price. I wanted to listen to good, old Christmas songs. Unfortunately, I don’t hear much Christmas carols in the local radios these days (more of the same stuff we hear everyday, which makes me wonder how time may be has dulled the public’s patronage of Christmas songs). Except for the small Christmas tree in my apartment’s living room, the parols adorning the lobby of our building and the cold, stormy air, my world seems to be lacking some Christmas cheer. So I bought the album and I’ve been listening to it ever since. And I plan to continue listening to it even if my dad chides me for buying an operatic Christmas album.
A line from one of his songs is worth reflecting on. It says, There’s so much to be thankful for.
Indeed, there’s so much to be thankful for. There may be a lot of sorrows in our world, a lot of grief, and a lot of differences. But somehow as Christmas nears, we find a little piece of hope, a small part of happiness that makes us say, yes, despite all these, there’s still so much to be thankful for.
I have so much to be thankful for. This is one of my most special, most treasured Christmases in all time. And it’s not just because I finally found a wonderful Christmas album that gives a perfectly good rendition of The Christmas Song.
I have always known that neither my money nor my career could completely satisfy me. At the end of the day, at the end of the year, at the end of every semester I still long for home. I want to sleep in my bed, eat meals with my family, joke around with my siblings and parents. I love Christmas and I love spending it with my family. I want to join them as they decorate our house for the season. I grew up with the usual Christmas tradition and I want to continue sharing those traditions with my family. While my career and my money have made our Christmas celebrations extra different the past four years (there are more gifts now to open and more food to eat with my contribution), it’s still my family that makes my celebration special. Home is warmth; home is hot chocolate drinks and Christmas lights on the Christmas tree. Home is mama and papa and all five kids, rowdy and loud.
And now, my Christmas is made more special by You. I guess I got my most treasured Christmas gift in advance. This is our second Christmas together but this year is the first in what I hope to be a long, long, long, long time of Christmas celebrations with you. Hopefully we can start our own Christmas traditions. When you saw me a couple of years ago, I was just a fantasy. And to me, you were just a face. Who would have thought that He would bring the two of us together last Christmas? Thank you for taking that first step. I’ll take the next. And we’ll take the next ones together. Thank you for being my best Christmas gift.
Indeed, I have so much to be thankful for. We have so much to be thankful for.
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07.30.07
Posted in Uncategorized at 9:16 pm by cla-uplb
There comes a point in your life when you make peace with the realities of your existence. You just stop being bitter and you embrace the reality of things and events. Afterall, they happened for a purpose.
I am at peace now with my past, with the failed expectations and the disappointments.
I am at peace now with my own frustrations, with the things I failed to do, the chances I missed, the opportunities I allowed to pass, the person I tried to be but couldn’t.
I am at peace now with the people in that past – the people who were the reasons for those tears, the self-pity, the laughter, the joy, the frustrations.
I am at peace now with the things I couldn’t have. I have learned to accept the fact that I couldn’t have everything in this life (no matter how hard I work to get it). I couldn’t force people to accept me, like me, or much more, love me.
And I am at peace now with the reality that what is meant to be is meant to be. Perhaps there is a perfect timing, a perfect moment for things to fall into place and a perfect lifetime for everything.
So perhaps, I’ll see you in our next lifetime. And hopefully by then, fate is kinder. For now, let’s be at peace with our destiny.
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06.28.07
Posted in Uncategorized at 8:40 pm by cla-uplb
The caption of the picture says it all.
She should have known. Her friend had told her how sweet they were two Christmases ago. She didn’t want to believe and even when she saw their picture, it’s a truth she was willing to believe is a lie.
She couldn’t imagine how someone could love someone so intensely. And yet, it’s something she should know and understand. She had once loved him so much to the point of worshipping the ground he walks on. The topic should even long be closed by now. She has someone else.
And yet the disturbing question still remains: What if it was me and him?
He may be the ideal guy, someone with the wit, the intelligence, the drive, the ambition she has always looked for in a man. A friend had told her that one couldn’t possibly love someone for his ambition and his achievements.
So why, after months of blissful satisfaction with a love that transcends all the complexities of fate and circumstances, does she still think of him?
Just because he’s perfect doesn’t mean that your relationship will also be perfect, that you will be perfect together, a friend had told her.
It makes sense, of course. And she was forced to ask herself if things would really have worked out if they were together at all. Just because he has all the achievements and the ambition that she’s looking for in a man (in her friend’s words, the same things she doesn’t possess that’s why she’s looking for them in her mate – an obvious case of inferiority complex), it doesn’t mean that they would actually click or that they would be the perfect couple.
She knows this is the last attack of the i-cant-get-over-him sickness. Fate has given her a love that’s perfect. He may not have all the achievements she is looking for in someone (you don’t love someone for his achievements anyway), but he has all the qualities she’s looking for in someone she would love to love. And as it turns out, she loves him sooooooo much. It may not be the perfect love story, with all the complications of their separate worlds, but they are happy and they know the complications will pass. It will always be the love story she would love to write for herself.
It isn’t in the captions and the pictures. When things have worked out, her picture will have the same caption. And it will read: You are my Miracle.
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04.12.07
Posted in Uncategorized at 4:36 am by cla-uplb
if sweating buckets from the heat of the summer sun will burn all these excess fat, i swear, ill go sunbathing the whole day even with the risk of skin cancer. ive been perspiring buckets every day, even before i get out of bed and have my morning bath. well of course, i wake up late these days, a luxury im allowing myself after a semester of early morning baths. besides, i go to sleep late these days also, a nice change after a year of enjoying my own company. the night is young and so are we…more time for long talks and conversations.
life then was a series of black and white patterns, monochromatic, classically predictable, monotonous…and then you came along and my reality became a wonderful explosion of colors on canvas, an untitled masterpiece, unique, shaped by your hands and your love…
thank you so much!
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03.22.07
Posted in Uncategorized at 10:35 pm by cla-uplb
im taking a break from the papers and tapes i have to check, from grad school requirements and project commitments, from meetings and the other social obligations to sit down, hit the keys of the PC and relax…
i miss this…i miss this so much… like vanilla ice cream on a hot afternoon, like kisses on a starry, starry night– i miss this, and what a blessed relief to be doing this again.
this is going to be brief…
life is beautiful — despite the workload, the crappy evaluation you get from your students, the low pay, that laptop payment that’s draining your meager one-month salary, and many other things. at the end of the eek, you look forward to some quiet and peace, under the stars and the canopy of centuries-old trees to talk and talk and talk some more… and hold hands. yeah, hold hands. there’s beauty in linking hands with someone — complete, total act of trust.
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02.11.07
Posted in Uncategorized at 4:02 am by cla-uplb
“Why did you have to say those things? Take them back, please…”
“No, I won’t.”
“You do know that all we’re ever going to have are moments like this.”
“Yes. This will have to be enough for now.”
“You would have to wait for me — for the next lifetime, when the hand is ready to be held by the hand that’s ready to let go…”
“I’m looking forward to that next lifetime.”
I don’t exactly believe in lifetimes, but if it’s true, then I guess I’d better start hoping and believing that my next lifetime holds more promise, more happiness, and happier realities.
This isn’t to say that I’m not happy with my life right now. I’m blessed – with my family, my friends, my job, with opportunities and possibilities. In more ways than one, I am content with what I have, though there are the occasional longings for a stress-free, hassle-free work, a higher pay perhaps, opportunities to travel and laze around in sunny beaches and enjoy winter holidays abroad, my own car, even a love life. But I am happy, luckier than other people.
SO, what’s with the next lifetime? Nothing really. I hope it’s not too much to ask that if ever I get to have another chance at being born again, I’d still have the same luck that I have in this lifetime. And though there are a number of people I’d rather not meet again in my next life, there are still many souls I’d like to see again – my family, my friends, my students, my co-workers, the smart, preppy, chinito doctor, the guy with the intense eyes and raw, magnetic sex appeal. More importantly, I hope that the next lifetime would allow for the hand to be held by the hand that’s ready to let go. I hope the next lifetime would hold better circumstances – wherein no one would be hurt at the expense of one’s own happiness, when no reputation would be destroyed, when other people’s opinion wouldn’t matter, when the words can easily be uttered, when emotions can be translated into actions uncensored.
Yes, a happier reality.
happy valentines everyone!
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