09.27.05
Posted in Uncategorized at 4:56 am by cla-uplb
no, its not raining. thank God for the weather. 
…things are moving on to a higher level. today, i was able to keep a promise to myself. that is, to go out and exercise. or at least, in today’s case, brisk walk for 30 minutes. i was able to do 3 rounds in the university oval. nice work, gurl. for the past few weeks, ive been feeling heavy and restless. i noticed that my pants are getting more fit, and my thighs more flabby, probably the result of a daily dose of pretzels before sleeping at night. now i cant afford to get any bigger and fatter (hehe…i dont have the money to buy a new set of wardrobe if that happens). i just realized that i want to be a model, not the supermodel type, but just a model—slim enough, beautiful enough to have a billboard along edsa. talk about wildest dreams.
…yup, yup, im moving on. yeah, i still look at YOUr pictures every now and then, especially when i get into senti mode and im playing one of those senti love songs, or when i find it really hard to sleep at night. (this is drama to the nth level!) but yeah, im moving on (didnt i just say that?) this is the loss of innocence…one just comes to that point in your life wherein you stop believing in fantasies, in fairytales. you start acknowledging to yourself that prince charming is just too darned hard to find, that happy endings are not always true for everyone. it rips at you, like the loss of a child or a toy you have treasured for so long. but eventually, you learn to pick up the fragments and you stand up a new person, with new ideals. yes, i may have turned into one bitter, cynical individual. it would have to come to that, anyway. so yes, im still thinking of YOU every now and then, but im working on forgetting YOU. i figure im gonna have to make a second repeat of that humiliating confession experience. friends are gonna say im asking for a second heartbreak, another ‘busted’ experience to add to my name. but i need to do it, for closure’s sake. then, im gonna have to say goodbye to YOU and to the friendship. its so hard when i desperately want to be more than just another buddy.
… im moving on. this is life on a higher level…
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09.20.05
Posted in Uncategorized at 5:47 am by cla-uplb
yes, its the weather again…
… i dont really want to dwell on regrets. and im wise enough to realize that sometimes some things are left to chance and fate. perhaps it was fate’s doing that i wasnt able to go home and you were. but i cant stop myself from regretting my decision not to push through with what my instinct was telling me. now i know why i felt restless and depressive last weekend. i was missing something…
… the semester’s drawing to an end. cant believe that ive been teaching in the university for a semester already. it seems like just a few days ago when i was working shifts in a call center, selling phone plans to people oceans away. phew! i survived! i didnt really have the confidence when i started out on this job. but so far, things have been okay, i guess. yeah, the workload is greater than my former teaching job, but im trying really hard not to complain. i cant afford to be burned out this early in this job. besides, im still at the stage where i value every piece of work, every assignment given to me for the experience. so yes, hopefully, ill still be here for sometime.
… going back to YOU, im sorry for the bother. I know that YOUr highly medical, rational mind cannot quite grasp my persistence and obsession (if that’s how you view it), but yes, allow me this sweet torment. this too shall pass…but if it doesnt, dont worry. you may continue to be a persistent memory to me, but i shall fade away as another nameless face in your mind. when YOU finally find her (which i think you already did), im going to be as inconsequential as the dust in your eyes.
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09.12.05
Posted in Uncategorized at 5:43 am by cla-uplb
it feels good to be hitting the keys again…lately, blog(ging) has become one of my consolations, a small, simple joy i get to enjoy twice or thrice a week amidst all the workload. there’s something about writing and just letting go of the thoughts in my work-muddled mind. a form of stress reliever, in short. hehe…one of my professors and now, my colleague has remarked about my entries here. thanks! like i said, i need some diversion, a pasttime to engage into when the work gets tough. allow me this sweet diversion…
… even before, writing has always been a great exercise for me. its my refuge, my solace, and most of all, this is where i get to say that im SOMEBODY. and it keeps me sane. yes, it keeps me sane, especially when i have more than just my job to think about… okay, im not going into that again. high school friends reiterated last weekend what many of my other friends (and family) have been telling me about YOU. we cant always have what we want…YOU’re one of them.
…its only here where i get to talk about YOU. i made a solemn promise to myself that YOu’re a forbidden name in my ‘hardcopy’ journal. if im not really so pathetic for YOUr attention, then why would i choose an easily accessible venue for my rantings? Okay, subconscioulsy perhaps, im hoping that You’re reading my entries here and its getting into YOur highly medical mind. stupid, stupid, stupid!!!
… ahh!!! thank God for heavy downpours. it has always been a good excuse for people to go home, have an early night and relax with a good cup of coffee and a good read. simple joys, simple pleasures…better enjoy them while we can.
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09.06.05
Posted in Uncategorized at 2:08 am by cla-uplb
there’s really something with gloomy, despondent afternoons… i hope this wont turn out to be another despondent, angsty, (bitter) entry, but that’s tantamount to saying that its freaking hot and sunny today.
… on the very same day a year ago, YOU told me that i never fail to make you happy. it was a special feeling, knowing that you’re making someone smile. in the same romantic tone of dreamers, it’s like saying that ‘im your sunshine.’ okay, that’s corny. but perhaps im still the same hopeless dreamer because i was hoping that YOU’d say those words to me again today. but dreams are dreams, and like what ive been doing for the past months, years, ive been chasing futile, hopeless dreams. i really should give YOU give up now. when you really look at it, im nothing more than another insignificant face and name in the multitude of people trying to compete for a place in your heart. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
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09.01.05
Posted in Uncategorized at 3:58 am by cla-uplb
im taking a break from the melodrama of rainy saturday afternoons. its a thursday twilight, another ‘gimick’ night for many of the students here in the university. ahh, the luxuries of student life…
… was looking at my anorexic bank account( a term i borrowed from a colleague) and wondered if it would ever become obese, as in flat-out bulging on all sides. well, i finally conceded that it would never happen, me being a lowly, underpaid instructor. i am proud to be called an educator. i work in a reputable state university (actually, has always dreamt of teaching here). but that’s where the future of my bank account ends—i just work for the prestige of working in the university. love my job (truly!) despite all the papers to check, students to deal with and lessons to prepare. ive always believed that no job is easy enough. was just wondering if ill ever get to have a luxury job and get handsomely paid for it at the same time…well, it probably wouldnt happen. ahhh!
… started on a 10-minute meditation habit today. need to work on my concentration, on focusing my energies. but most of all, i need the moment of ’solitude’ to learn to forget a lot of things—work, expectations, family concerns, responsibilities, and most of all, YOU. i need to start loving myself. ive spent most of the past seven years chasing a dream, a hopeless fantasy. time to move on…
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