10.21.05
Posted in Uncategorized at 6:30 am by cla-uplb
normally, the whole place would be buzzing with students–either on a hurry to catch the last bus ride back to their hometowns, or with gimick-goers. but tonight, the absence of the usual crowd makes the silence deafening. it’s making me crazy—this silence. i have always enjoyed my solitude and moments of peace. but this is starting to get on my nerves. for one, i keep on thinking of my friends back home, of the gimicks, and the chit-chat i would probably be sharing with them right now. but im here because im working (no, im trying not to complain. afterall, im being paid to stay here, doing nothing—yup, im done with the training and my grades. yehey!) perhaps this feeling is aggravated by the fact that this is my first time to ever stay this long in lb. way back in college, i would go home immediately after my exams.
… perhaps i still have not yet conditioned myself that im not already a student here–that i wont ever get to enjoy the beauty of a sembreak. ahh, the price i have to pay in return for some hard-earned cash each month. makes me wonder now if ill ever be able to enjoy being a student again, dependent on my parents for my allowance, not giving a heck about things like monthly house rent, food, money for shopping some decent clothes (because the students have a mean tendency to criticize you if you wear the same clothes you’ve worn the week before 
). probably not, expecially with dear sister going to med school next year, and with dear ate expected to pay for dear sister’s med books and allowance. got to save! got to save!
… im not complaining.. just venting out some frustrations, and probably some bitterness over dreams that may never come true. you hear me complain–that’s good. im still normal. if i stop it means ive ceased to exist. so this is good, still normal.
… now im wondering if someone actually gives a fig about my entries here. is there anyone who actually bothers to read my entries? i dont know… hmm… the thing is, i started this blog not to entertain someone’s own despondency. im not even expecting anyone to be interested in my musings. i mean, who would? anyone in their right frame of mind wouldnt care about the rantings of an angsty, romantic, hopelessly pathetic but eternally frustrated dreamer like me. i do this to entertain myself. because this has become a good avenue for self-expression (yes, and perhaps be discovered as the next best writer on the block! hehe). seriously though, if someone finds my entries here offending—do tell me. or better yet, just dont bother to read them. but if it does, somehow, served some good purpose (whether it made you laugh or cry, or entertained you in some distorted way), then this writer sincerely extends her warmest and heart-felt gratitude. because she has, in some way, touched someone’ s heart… and that has always been her eternally frustrating dream.
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10.17.05
Posted in Uncategorized at 7:31 am by cla-uplb
yes, its raining again these days. but ive got a new reason to smile. in fact, im more than just smiling. i feel beautiful these days. a very good friend of mine delivered a very good message last weekend that made up for the depression ive been feeling the past few weeks. in fact, her news was a big consolation for me, a ‘redeemer’ of sorts. it was a ’saving grace’ for me. it was his loss after all, not mine. now i know there’s something wrong with YOUr eyes, and ive indeed proven that the wisest of men may be the most foolish in love. i know YOU’re happy with her. i don’t have the right to judge, but i sincerely hope you’ll find the happiness and the love i was never able to provide (which you certainly didnt want to accept in the first place).
… everyone’s gone off for sembreak. im the only one stuck here (plus a couple of friends) and the whole place gets depressingly lonely without the usual student buzz. im wondering if i can fake a good excuse for an early vacation (which i doubt) just so i can take a break. still, several bucks of deduction from my already meager salary counts a lot when you look at it. so i guess im just going to stick it out here and wait for the work to get done and finally, finally, ask for a few days of leave. i miss my family terribly (which is so ironic because when you’re at home, you can’t wait to go away). but absence makes the heart grow fonder, and when i think about the food and the meals and gimmicks and the unlimited movie marathon i get to enjoy every evening—-well, nothing beats a day at home. plus, i get special treatment (which lasts only for a couple of days) because ive been away for so long. well, i also want to explore my beloved hometown and meet with friends, share stories and yes, roam the city on the off chance that ill see YOU and probably strike up a brief conversation. (god! i need to really get over this whole thing!)
… a week and a half. i cant wait to go home! right now, im not even looking forward to the next semester. just between you and me, i dont give a heck about the next sem—no, revise that. i dont want to think about the next semester just yet. i just want to go home, indulge in free food, free movies, free computer use, free everything.
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10.06.05
Posted in Uncategorized at 4:48 am by cla-uplb
a student and a friend of mine remarked about my entries here. seems like its always raining everytime i put in an entry. like what i told her, the weather plays a much coveted role in my ramblings. it brings out all the despondency in me. yes, im a seasonal writer. i need intense emotions, dramas and passion to create a piece that will ‘touch the heart’ of my readers. but i seriously don’t think it touches anyone’s heart, because if it does, then it should have touched YOUr heart and rendered a powerful impact in YOUr highly medical mind.
…im not supposed to talk about YOU anymore, ever in my entries. im just keeping it to myself. ACCEPTANCE–a good friend of mine reminded me. it would never happen. it was nice to know someone like you, thank YOU very much for the inspiration, but good-bye. this is the end…
…was checking test papers and computing my students’ grades. brings me back to the usual question i always ask myself at the end of each sem. how effective had i been? the test results were depressing, or perhaps it is for me because i had high expectations from them. but as i read their answers, it made me wonder how well and how good i had been as their teacher (or how bad, if that’s another way of putting it). it has always bothered me whether i was able to meet their expectations, whether i was able to share something worthwhile to them, whether i had been the ‘teacher’ i was supposed to be to them. more than just the passing and transfer of knowledge, im supposed to mold them into more critical individuals, train them to think for themselves, and generally, add something of value to what they already possess. it’s a strange feeling of paranoia that even the teacher’s evaluation can’t seem to dispel away. id like to think that i was able to share something that they can use in the future, no matter how petty and trivial it may seem to them for now.
… teaching—probably this is my only way to leave a legacy in this world. this may be the only way for me to share something of myself, even if the whole universe revolts at my existence.
…idealism—make use of it while it lasts. who knows, i might wake up a completely different person tomorrow, bitter, cynical, a hardened traveler of life. and by then, i would be too self-obsessed to try to even think of things like legacy and sharing.
…and no, its not raining. seems like ive developed a penchant for rainy days and sentimental mumblings. hopefully something bright and sunny looms ahead…the skies will eventually clear…this too shall pass…
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