12.30.05
Posted in Uncategorized at 9:35 pm by cla-uplb
today, im closing a chapter of my storybook, and opening a new one just as the new year draws. i hope that the new chapter would be devoid of the angsty bitterness that seemed to permeate practically all of my stories. i hope it would be replete with renewed hope, a refreshed spirit, and a passion that is more than the kind i have for someone. 
i hope it would be full of stories of my life’s simple joys, triumphs, and even an acceptance of whatever mistakes i will make (i certainly hope to commit lesser ones this coming year). i hope it would be more rooted to reality, with lesser ramblings about far-fetched fantasies and longings. i hope it would be more welcome to things, ideas, opinions, people, change. i hope it would learn to love life and the people in this life. i hope it would be more selfless, more humane.
… got my wish already (ok, do i have to mention this again? ;)), so there’s no reason for me to go on moping and sulking because it just wasn’t enough. i hope the new year would teach me to be more accepting of reality. i hope it would teach me how to forget, how to let go, how to move on, how to break from the bondage of the past (how dramatic and corny i sound!)
… nwei, id like to start the new year with a clean slate. no more hang-ups from the past year, no more regrets to be carried over to the new year. no more frustrations and disappointments, for what’s the use of dwelling on things of the past if you can’t do anything about them anymore? there are things that can’t be undone. you just live with them.
i hope the new year would bring forth a burst of red cherry blossoms, the smell of a new ‘love’, the promise of something more beautiful. but if its not meant to be, then so be it. afterall, i hope the new year would teach me to wait patiently, and just keep on believing for eventually, it will come.
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12.27.05
Posted in Uncategorized at 12:01 am by cla-uplb
when you’ve wished for something for so long, you start becoming more cynical each day, thinking that it’s one of those wishes that will never be granted.
… perhaps santa finally took pity on me, or perhaps ive been extra good this year, or perhaps fate just decreed that its time. yes, miracles do happen when you least expect it.
… suffice it to say that santa made me extra happy this christmas, just before the end of the year.
… i made a promise that if He grants me that wish, ill do my end of the bargain. phew! looks like i took in more than i can chew, because now, i dnt know how im ever going to fulfill my promise to Him. Its going to be tough.
… but thank you anyway. and to YOU, i dont know what happened that made You do it, but it was fun, and so, thank You.
i guess we just have to keep on believing after all.
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12.24.05
Posted in Uncategorized at 12:52 am by cla-uplb
its christmas eve…the whole place is buzzing with the christmas cheer. they say its the hard times, but hey, everyone seems to be on a shopping spree these days. hmm…what a celebration…
… i dont want to dampen the christmas spirit. everyone seems to be enjoying it and looking forward to the celebration, even if they say life is tough these days. i guess, no matter what happens, we should always be thankful for our small blessings. christmas, it seems, is our little benediction, a saving grace, a time to stop worrying for once and enjoy the fact that we are alive. okay, this is the melodramatic clarisse again.
… im enjoying the break. yes, i have a mountain of papers to check, but i relegated them to the bottom pile of my table. that’s something i gotta do next week. i just want to enjoy a five-day respite from work and anything that has to do with school.
… looks like Santa wouldnt grant me that christmas wish ive been asking him for. well, i guess now is not yet the time for it. i just hope it wouldnt come soooo late in my life, at a time when im too old and too cynical to actually appreciate and believe in it anymore.
… thank you for a wonderful year…thank you for all the blessings. this year may have been a little rocky for me, but i still consider myself blessed. the fact that im alive and celebrating the holidays with my family (even if YOU are not there) is enough for me. i have a lot to be thankful for, afterall.
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12.14.05
Posted in Uncategorized at 4:17 am by cla-uplb
perhaps its true what they say about the christmas thrill waning as one grows older. amidst all the christmas decors, christmas lights and christmas parties and exchange gifts, i still cant feel the spirit of the season. there’s a feeling of loss, or more appropriately, a feeling that something is missing. ive been busy with work lately (hehe..or at least, pretending to be), and when i get home, im too tired to even think of the gifts i have yet to buy or wrap. every afternoon, there’s a christmas presentation just outside our building, right in the middle of the "carabao" park decorated with christmas lights. but i barely even bothered to go out and watch any of those presentations(partly, the rains are to be blamed). i dnt know if i have just been too busy(which i dnt think i am, since every morning the work waiting for me on my table is still the same), or if i just dont have that childish eagerness for things like this anymore.
… the loss is like a gaping hole. im afraid that im not even going to remember anything of christmas 05 next year. deep inside, im worried about this season passing by just like another ordinary day in my life. what happened?
… i like to preserve the memories of every christmas in my life. my childhood was brimming with wonderful, sweet pictures of christmases spent opening gifts, going to Church as a family, wrapping presents, decorating the christmas tree. i wonder what christmas memory ill add to my collection for this year. i hope its something extra special. these days (and probably at my age) im not asking for clothes or shoes or toys anymore. if there’s one thing i would be proud of to say, it would be that i have learned to be less materialistic with gifts. im wiser now. i hope Santa would give me something he has never given me before. he knows what that is… id like to think that im wiser, more responsible now for that gift. i can handle it now, im prepared for it. if you will give me a chance, i promise not do anything to ruin it. please…
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12.10.05
Posted in Uncategorized at 8:46 pm by cla-uplb
my sister’s taking the nmat today. just a few minutes ago, she texted me and said sorry for wasting a good amount of money on an exam that she wouldnt pass anyway. it was only a semester ago that i realized how much it matters to her to become a doctor. she never showed any inclination of becoming one way back in high school. and even in college, i never thought she was serious about pursuing that dream. now, she’s worried about not getting the score that would allow her entrance to med school.
i told her to just go for it and not be disheartened (spoken like a true sister, hehe). if you dont pass, take the exam the second time. if you still dont make it, accept the fact that God has better plans for you. but it’s not a waste of money. the important thing is you risked it and did something, instead of letting the oppotunity pass and then wonder about the "what-ifs".
i have high regard for doctors (i was a serious, die-hard admirer of one, after all). getting into med school is a task, surviving the rigors of med school is a challenge, passing the board exam is a high expectation (that could probably make me seriously crazy if i dnt make it), and working as a doctor is a life-long vocation. i may not be one, but suffice it to say that its not easy.
i think that my sister is strong enough and tough enough to brave med school. i probably wouldnt be up for the challenge of answering a set of mind-wracking exams (after all those exams i took in college), nor would i be definitely be up for the challenge of having a cadaver as constant friend and companion. my sister is willing to go through these.
the point of the matter? it amazes me how one could gather enough strength to risk and go for one dream. its really true that if you want something desperately, you’d do anything for it.
to nana: just go for it! in the end what matters is that you know you did your best and that you risked it. if you didnt, you would always be wondering about what would happen if you took that exam. its not a waste of money. if you dont get to med school, lets just chalk it up to experience. (i can easily earn it anyway). if you do pass med school, then its definitely not a waste of money. its going to be an investment, because, that couple of bucks i paid for your exam would be repaid by you in triple amounts (with a car and a lifetime free health insurance c/o Doc Jonalyn Albia). hehe;-)
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12.01.05
Posted in Uncategorized at 4:20 am by cla-uplb
… its the first day of december. i wonder how this year would end for me? hopefully, it would finish off with me accomplishing the things im supposed to accomplish (i.e. the minutes for the department’s meeting, the initial data gathering for that research that the team’s working on, and many others). i hope it would finish off with me realizing at least half, if not three-fourths of those dreams i set for myself at the start of the year (i.e. lose those extra pounds, be more beautiful inside and out, learn to relax and go out every now and then, save up enough money for sister’s med studies, and yes, find myself a boyfriend. wehehe) ..the last one is a big joke, because afterall, its something that’s way beyond my control. i dnt think dear old Santa could even grant me that wish. okay, so maybe ill just change it to something more realistic then–perhaps, forget the people from the past that im supposed to forget but i never could. i hope it would finish off with me starting on new and big projects (i.e. learn digital recording, finish a novel, edit dad’s manuals, produce a documentary etc.) dreams, dreams, dreams…
…i hope the holidays would bring something new. i hope i would receive something extra special for christmas this year. im not complaining, afterall, i have many happy christmas memories. what more could i possibly ask? i spend it with my whole family, complete with the whole regalia. and yes, i pray that it would always stay that way—a complete, happy, fun-filled, blessed experience. i hope its not too much to ask from dear old Santa, but could you possibly grant me that one big thing ive always asked for? no, its not anything material; its not a big promotion at work. its not even a luxurious, dream-come-true vacation package. its something that would complete me, make my life extra happy (and chaotic sometimes, maybe), and generally make my existence in this world a whole lot more meaningful and special.
… can you guess?
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