01.28.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 10:36 pm by cla-uplb
a very nice friend read my previous entry and asked me about the things i wouldnt "escape" from if i encounter them. that question put me on the spot, because it made me think, really think about the things that im brave enough to face when it’s there, staring at me right in the face. i thought, are there even things im brave enough to face, things i wouldnt escape from? it made me question a lot of things– my sense of "courage", my strength, my will, my fears. ive been thinking, and here’s the answer…
… if you ask me between a high-paying job (you know what im talking about— skycrapers in the city, air-conditioned offices, power suits) and a lowly job in the academe, i would chose the latter. i wouldnt escape from the ultimate satisfaction one gets in working with students, shaping their minds, influencing their lives. yes, the work may be a drag every now and then, but to see a life bloom and grow right before your eyes is a magical experience. i wouldnt escape from the fulfillment one gets in seeing one life learn from you and your own wisdom.
… i wouldnt escape from my responsibilities (even if i sometimes wish i could) because these things make me who i am. they shape me, hone me and make me the kind of person i am today. the weight may be too much, but when you look at it, these responsibilities were given to me because im the person who’s perfect for the job. it means i can do it, people trust me, and (yes, the expectation may be high) im the only one with the power and the capability to do the work.
… i wont escape from love when i see it. im going to embrace it and feel it, and wrap the whole experience around me. i wont be afraid to say the words, just because they’re corny or out of place or because society doesnt allow it. i wont escape from YOU just because YOUr memory brings tears.
… i wont escape from a chance to write my own story, even if its a tragic tale, for tragedy can put a smile and a hope in others own story.
… on a lighter tone, i wouldnt escape from a bottle of beer, or a "truth-or-dare" session with friends. i wouldnt escape from an eyebrow-raising pricetag the next time i go shopping ( haha!!! i can afford something as expensive as Gucci or Louis Vuitton). i wouldnt escape from any opportunity to go abroad (even if its an NGO work in a "poor as rat" district in Asia). i wouldnt escape from a chance to star in my own film or pose as a model for one billboard along EDSA. 
i wouldnt escape from a doctor who drops at my feet and offers me a ring and asks me to spend a lifetime with him (this is the ultimate fantasy, one which would never come true. but come on, indulge me, ok?). hehehehehehe
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01.26.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 2:32 am by cla-uplb
this is all about escape…
.. im spending the time writing this entry to escape from the reality of my world here at the university–a reality of papers and tests to check, lessons to prepare, students to educate, superiors to please and expectations to meet. i love my work, but sometimes, one couldnt help it if the work is such a drag, you simply just pray for the day to be over.
… im escaping from the reality of my usual desperate lifestyle (the singlehood, the anorexic bank account, the "gimick-less nights", etc) by indulging in a ‘coffee-session’ with my buddies, and talking about dreams and big paychecks and hot cars and overseas travel and gimmicks.
… im escaping from the reality of my other responsibilities by ignoring messages and requests and calls, and giving the cliche excuse — im busy, im sorry. ill try.
… im escaping from the reality of my lovelife (god! does it even exists?) by putting in a couple more hours in overtime and just losing myself in the papers to check. i dont want to think that there’s no one who bothers to ask me if i’ve already eaten, or if im home safe, of if i even have a date this coming valentines. hehehehe. im escaping from the reality of a heart broken by rejection by thinking that we’re just friends. im escaping from the reality of a hopeless love by constantly praying that he’d learn to love me. im escaping from the reality of a being ignored by YOU by putting in more effort in these entries (than my work), hoping that the words would get through to YOU (which is obviously not working).
… im escaping from the reality of my sad, sad story by listening to other people’s happy ones, and weaving a thick dream of writing, if not my own happy tale, then at least, theirs.
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01.21.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 12:56 am by cla-uplb
thank YOU for helping me out the other day. i realized then that, yes, you may ignore me most of the time, but when things are tough, you’ll be there if i ask for you. i realized also that the friendship’s not worth losing just because i won’t settle for anything less that what you can offer me right now. you’re a good friend, and perhaps, that’s what YOU’re supposed to be in my life–just a friend.
…someday i hope you’ll realize just how important you are to me.
…a friend asked once why we keep on loving the people who don’t love us (or won’t accept our love), and then ignore those who do.
… i don’t know the answer.
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01.19.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 3:49 am by cla-uplb
im squeezing this in my already tight schedule. no, for a minute i dont want to think about the scripts, the proposals, the writing exercises, and the journals on my table, waiting for their turns to be checked. no, i dont want to think about my laundry, the state of my room at home, and my sister’s manuscript which i have yet to edit. no, i dont want to think about my deflated, overly anorexic bank account. there are a lot of things i dont want to think about right now. so yes, im taking some time off to escape from my reality and indulge myself in a fantasy.
AN ODE TO A FANTASY
i love YOU because…
…you bring out the best in me
…you make me feel special
…you make me feel good about myself
…you taught me how to love.
I love YOU because loving YOU defines who I am and completes my existence.
I love YOU because i love YOU…
… even if YOU don’t.
—–is there anything greater than a fantasy that’s come true? will YOU make my fantasy come true? the answer is…
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01.15.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 6:51 am by cla-uplb
i miss the city life. i know its a pretty ironic thing to say, considering the ‘horrors’ and all the craziness of metropolitan living, but i miss the hum and the flow of city life. i miss riding the mrt and the lrt. i miss the very seldom instances wherein someone would gladly offer me a seat in the train. i miss the station stopovers— from ayala to cubao(one of the most crowded stations), from lrt taft to lrt central(to go to sm manila or go sight-seeing history in intramuros). i miss the monthly mall sales, the 50-70% off pricetags in boutiques and stores. i miss the "power-walking", as one of my colleagues put it, because things are never slow in the city. i miss the traffic, and the never-ending surge of the crowd every day. i miss the lights, and the hang-out places and the coffee shops and restos (ive never really explored all of them, truth be told). i miss the beautiful faces of the people, the fashion in the streets that distinguish who is in the upper echelons of the society, to the average, to the trying-hard, to those with their own definition of fashion. i miss the moments in the early morning when dawn breaks in the smog-clogged sky. i miss the company of my dear friend, maitz whose never-ending energy brings me from one place to another. i miss the company of my close friends in the city–such relief in a crowd of strangers.
dont get me wrong, lb has its own offerings (fresh air to breathe, a campus where i can run, lower cost of living). but the city–with its jam-packed malls and skyscrapers and the traffic and the big lanes–offers me a comfort that lb can’t provide. its a good place to get lost (well, at least figuratively) and be obscure. i find comfort in the impersonal atmosphere. i find solace in the idea that no one knows me and no one cares, and that i can do whatever i want to do. i find comfort in the idea that people won’t notice(and even if they do, they won’t bother to call my attention). they might whisper and talk, but what the heck, i probably won’t see them again the next day.
but its good to be here now, in the university where i find worth in what im doing, and some peace during moments of confusion. i guess there’s just some frustrated longing in me to experience the best of both worlds…someday…
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01.06.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 2:56 am by cla-uplb
im back to reality—to my reality of papers, and students, and lessons and classrooms. im not complaining. heck! this is the first month of the year. what should i be complaining about? id like to start this year on a good note so no complaining this time.
… what an amazing feat this is–to be able to fit into my already tight schedule some time for my blog entries. okay, so im not giving my work full attention. well, don’t i deserve some time for myself? the truth is, i never really got around to doing all those ‘to-do’ things i listed last christmas break (i.e. check those papers, write down those reports due this month etc). guess i got sidetracked by the christmas happenings. so im actually catching up with the backlog in my work. dont worry, im still doing fine so far.
… how are YOU doing? oh shoot, im not supposed to be asking YOU about anything anymore. im supposed to be forgetting YOU now, right? damn! but in any case, perhaps YOU’d like to drop by and update me with what’s happening in the white, sterile halls of YOUr classroom. we’re friends, right? ohh, someone might get jealous. in any case, i hope YOU’re okay and just taking it easy. sincerely, ME
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