02.28.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 2:04 am by cla-uplb
read a mail from one of my brods about stress, and it made me stop and ponder about my current status. these past few weeks, ive received comments from friends and co-workers saying that i look as if im carrying the burdens of the world on my shoulders. i surely hope im not, but from the way one of my friends described me, i look like hell (puffy eyes, pallid complexion, hunched shoulders, heavys steps). true enough, there are simply a lot of things in my mind right now–and its not everything about work, mind you. simply put, i think my concerns(valid or not) are simply too much for me to handle. =)
the demands of my work will never ease. i constantly try to tell this to myself. afterall, this is what i like to do. and there’s some degree of personal satisfaction (other than the monetary kind) that i get from the work i do. still, sometimes, it can be a drag, and there are times when you just want the day to be over.
the stress comes from the other things i worry about—responsibilities to people, my deflated bank account, my sister’s med studies, the desire to buy a laptop, the dream of going abroad and studying there (or perhaps, work there), and my emotional needs (ah! such a technical, scientific way to phrase the lack of a lovelife).
so im here, trying to de-stress in the best way that i know. i hope that by writing this, im able to release all the stress chemicals in my body. if i dont do something about this, i think im gonna break down by the end of the semester. its time to de-stress.
im also listening to Lisa Loeb’s and Dixie Chicks’ music–the former’s upbeat, lively tunes completing the perfectly dramatic, despondent melodies of the latter. darn, reminds me of just one person and he’s not even meant to be remembered. why do YOU have to pop into my thoughts and my words? couldnt YOU just have stayed in the deepest recesses of my mind, a buried memory? now, im turning into one melodramatic, stressed girl.
so much for de-stressing…well, i think ive reached the end of my 30-minute de-stressing time. its time to go back to my reality and face the music…
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02.19.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 3:51 am by cla-uplb
ohhhh, such bittersweet experience. why am i such a sucker for torture? i should have known i cant do it. i keep on inflicting the same pain and the same misery on myself. and yes, i know i’ve told myself that i need to let YOU go. darn. now, i cant even stop myself from wondering and thinking about that ‘one’ who’s making YOU happy right now. i cant be like her. yeah, i certainly dont have her looks, her body, and i dont have the things YOU obviously share with her.
… release…
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02.13.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 6:54 am by cla-uplb
this too shall pass…
things didnt go well today. well, things haven’t been well since the day i lost my cellphone. im going through some sort of cosmic confusion. my stars are yet to find order in this universe.
this too shall pass… perhaps if i keep on repeating this to myself, somehow, things would turn out right. im keeping my fingers crossed.
dont ask me about tomorrow. im not being bitter. its just something that’s not for me. 
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02.09.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 3:17 am by cla-uplb
didnt expect that things could turn from bad to worse today. things got off at a wrong start when problems with work cropped up. there were glitches in the schedule, (un)cooperative individuals, and the sort (to enumerate them would be to subject myself to a damning headache). i just never expected that something more unfortunate would add to the already unfortunate turn of events here — i lost my cellphone.
we just celebrated our first year anniversary. i bought it for myself as a christmas gift and as a reward–the product of two-months labor. we have shared a lot of memories together, not to mention a lot of ‘narcissistic’ moments when i would take pictures of myself with the camera. but more than the pictures stored, it contains snippets of conversations with friends, lovers, officemates, and a 100 or so contact numbers of these people.
i remember saving the brief text messages YOU exchanged with me. i never had the courage to erase them because i have this crazy impulse to read them every once in a while. the messages keep YOU close and were a testimony that YOU exist in my life. i remember saving the ‘flirty’ messages i exchanged with friends — i kept them because they made me laugh and relieved me of the melancholy of my desolate existence. i remember saving the birthday greetings, the christmas wishes because they were from people i treasure.
and with much regret, i remember the people im supposed to greet this tuesday. i can’t now, because i dont remember their numbers.
DARN!!!
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02.04.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 9:12 pm by cla-uplb
i was able to accomplish 3/4 of what I set out for myself to accomplish this week, so, yes, im giving myself a nice pat on the back plus a treat to the spa. anyway, im in the mood for some writing exercises today.
so part 3, here it is…
… more than just the comments, the compliments, and yes, the criticisms i get from my students, this lowly job in the academe gives me a sense of worth as an individual. i had one student a semester ago. he was the snobbish, "i-don’t-care-if-you-care" type. he would sit at the back of the room, lost in his own world, totally uncaring of his classmates. i didnt knw how to reach out to him, or at least, get him to interact with the rest of the class. during the first few exercises when i would call on him to share, he would give short, brief, monosyllabic answers. to make it short, the semester ended with him interacting more with his classmates, hanging out with them, sharing more of himself, being more open. i guess it was partly because his classmates were also very accepting and all were open and always game. but id like to think that its also because i gave him the chance to talk and interact with people. one of the things i realized is that people are sometimes scared to share and interact and open themselves to others because no one bothers to listen or that they get the feeling that no one would care. if we meet someone who seems a snob, we dont bother to get past th ’snobbishness’ and discover the true identity of the person, thus, depriving him/her the chance to prove our impressions wrong. now, when i saw that student of mine starting to be more open and interacting and hanging out with classmates, it was a personal victory. i dont claim full credit for his ‘tranformation’, but one of the things i could take credit for is the fact that i gave him a lot of avenues to speak out, share, be open. most of all, i didnt take him forgranted, and i didnt stop even when it was hard breaking past his ‘defenses’ and the ‘distance’. persistence and perhaps, a ready ear… those were the ingredients.
so yes, they are worth every drop of ink from my cheap, red pen, even when the paper is figuratively dripping with ‘blood.’ to see their writing skills improve (after a lot of drafts) is a victory. to see the sudden flash of realization and comprehension on their faces when you’re trying to discuss a really complex, abstract concept is a giant leap from their state of ‘ignorance’. to hear them explain the things you’ve discussed to them in their own words is a benediction — a sign that you’re getting through to them.
… as for the perfect word that would describe my idea of ‘embracing love’, clarisse-style, it would be LIFE-CHANGING. well, in my limited experience (and some would even say it’s not, because i fell in love with his MIND and the fact that he’s a healer), let’s just say, it brought out much of the good things in me that i didnt knw actually exist. at least, i get to prove the point that im not a nerd, a geek, and an android (was on the verge of becoming one actually). ‘embracing’ love would mean accepting the realities of the experience, going beyond the ’safety zone’ (where you try to protect yourself from the pain and the possible rejection), not being bitter, and being able to move on (its impossible to come out unscathed and not hurt) and accept the next thing that comes along.
… yes, the truth may hurt but with all its tragic and funny details, it’s more interesting than the fancy words that try to sugarcoat reality. i have come a long way, from one who has existed in a dreamworld to someone who has learned to accept the truth. some things make sense afterall, even if the realization comes later.
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