05.26.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 7:35 pm by cla-uplb
im excited about a lot of things these days.
… im excited about getting back on my feet and functioning like a normal individual again, sans the manic depression and my pathetic ramblings about my lovelife. im looking forward to just being myself, living on my own, going out with friends, no hassles, no commitments, and most especially, no disappointments and rejections to deal with.
… im excited about writing and writing and writing. im excited about doing this thing, which i have always wanted to do. im looking forward to staying up late at night or waking up early in the morning and touching the keyboard of my computer. i want to feel the humdrum of the words as they flow easily from my mind and into the screen. im excited about seeing ideas taking form, being real.
… im excited to see my bank account fatten up, after being anorexic for such a long, long time. im excited about saving up money for those things i have always wanted for myself and my family — a car, a trip abroad, a laptop, a nice vacation house for mom and dad, a chance to treat my siblings to a nice, fun-filled vacation, a house for myself. it feels good to be financially stable, to know that somehow you won’t be in want for always. yes, im saving up for my future.
… im excited about starting my masteral studies next sem and finishing it as soon as possible (three to four years is good enough), and then working on that PhD scholarship abroad next.
… im excited about learning new things, expanding my horizons and working on making my dreams come true. im excited about moving on and stepping forward, about forgetting the past (and yeah, the people in it) and enjoying my life.
… no more hang-ups, no more regrets, no more feelings of betrayal or disappointment or rejection.
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05.13.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 4:01 am by cla-uplb
i was watching the sunset (if you could even call it watching. i barely saw anything) in the storm-streaked sky. and i realized a few truths (there are a lot of ‘realizations’ these days, i tell you).
…we always do a little letting go in our life. as i turn a new leaf over with my approaching birthday, im letting go of all those old, beaten stuff in my closet — the teenage clothes, the box of high school gifts (mostly photo albums and picture frames i got from past birthday and christmas parties), and most of all, the dried petals of a white rose i so carefully preserved in the pages of one of my third year high notebooks. it was the representation of an old flame, a young love that is nothing but bittersweet; an old memory from a special friend who stopped-over in my life to teach me one of life’s mysteries. letting it go means letting YOU go (it’s amazing how i’ve managed not to talk about YOU in my entries here, until now). its a liberating feeling, and an acceptance of a reality i refused to accept before.
… likewise, im letting go of a beautiful friendship with HIM. im afraid it’s another heartbreak waiting to happen, and im getting out now before anything happens. okay, okay, its cowardice, girl. but we do a little ‘protecting’ of ourselves every now and then. besides, he’s like the wind — passing, fleeting, totally unpredictable. im looking for something that would stay longer than a changing season, something that’s not just ’stopping-over’. okay, longer enough to teach me another lesson in life and join me in the next lessons to come. and while he may be that kind of person, he’s not ready for it just yet. he has plans — a five-year plan that excludes any emotional entanglements. perhaps in time, he would be ready. but i’d be out of the picture by then.
… so, yeah, i have my family and a handful of trusted friends and my job and my laptop to keep me company in the next fiver years or so. by then, ill be a dried-up, old maid. hehehehe….
… we just let go. nothing’s permanent.
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05.05.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 1:10 am by cla-uplb
im spending a three-week vacation here in the province. ahhh… talk about getting a break.
let’s talk about the mundane things in my life…
… my sister finally graduated last april. after four years of toiling in the university, enduring all those exams and terror teachers and the limited allowance from ate, she’s finally a graduate! ahhh! i can breathe a sigh of relief now. her next problem would be saving enough money from her one-year stunt as a career woman for her med studies. but then again, there’s ate to help. darn! but the one-year respite would be a nice break for me. i can use the time to save up and pay that loan i got for my laptop. (yipee!)
… a few weeks from now, id be turning 23. gosh! im another year older, and yet, nothing much has changed in my existence. apart from a change in my career and a few personal things i acquired for myself, i dont have much to talk (or brag) about. a week ago, i met up with a former roommate. we were talking about our careers and our families. when she asked me about my lovelife, i just laughed and shrugged. what can i say? the lack of a lovelife is the ONLY constant truth in my life. oh, there was one pretty bad obsession that resulted into a broken heart and several boxes of tissue paper. and there’s a beautiful, friendly ‘attraction’ with someone i met during my first year of work. but that’s a friendship i couldnt afford to lose simply because i gave in to my feelings. besides, its as unknown and as fleeting as the wind, as carefree as the mountain breeze, and as unpredictable as the waves of the ocean. he might fly off to some place tomorrow, or the day after, or perhaps, even today. i just don’t want to freak him out.
… i have a long wish-list that id like to realize before i turn 23. a few of the items there have already come true– like that laptop and a promising (?) career in the academe. im working on numbers one, two, and three though. one, lose some weight (this is a lifelong fantasy. hehe) two, have a beautiful face that can launch a thousand ships (in short, be as beautiful as Helen of Troy. im okay with Aubrey Miles or Miriam Quiambao if the former’s too much of a fantasy). and three, go out on a date in the mountains or at the beach with a special friend. i dont have the guts to ask him because i know he’ll be busy by that time, or probably out of the country already, or taking his exams. but well, miracles do happen (just like it had in christmas time).
… okay, we’ve had too much of the mundane already. till next time then! 
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