09.27.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 6:10 am by cla-uplb
im a zoombie these days, make that a lost, preoccupied zoombie. the papers on my desk in the office is in bad shape, a terrible mess if you call it, even if i have already brought half of those papers at home to check on weekends. welcome to the academe! no wonder teachers don’t get to have a social life anymore… tsktsktsk…
besides the papers and the tapes, there’re also the preparations for the Faculty Follies and the Loyalty Day Foot Parade, which brings me to the next point of my entry. i’m definitely going to start those dance lessons. we were practicing a dance number for the Follies presentation and it just felt sooo000ooo gooo000d! it felt good to sweat and to shake my body and to jump and sing my lungs out. it empties the mind of all the worries, releases all those endorphins in your body, and gets the blood moving again after a day of sitting on a chair, bending over a paper that you’re checking. it’s definitely a good break, a perfect diversion, and it gives you enough reason not to check the papers anymore and tell your students you’re returning them the next day instead because you’re needed in the practice. sweating like that and dancing like that reminded me of how good it felt to be a student, and yes, that i have a social life and that im capable of doing other things besides running that red pen over a page and scribbling down comments and deleting words and sentences.
call me a sucker for torture and self-inflicted misery, but somehow, the zoombie mode is a good escape from more depressing thoughts. work is the perfect escape from some other things you’d rather not dwell or think about. and you hide the hopelessness behind fake smiles and forced enthusiasm.
i know that you already know… its midnight and the princess has to go home. the fantasy would have to end…
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09.17.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 1:15 am by cla-uplb
nasa naga ako ngayon. minsan lang ito (dahil ngayon lang ako nakaipon ng pamasahe para sa bus fare. whehehe…ang mahal kasi ng pamasahe). worth it naman ang pag-uwi ko. na-miss ko sina mommy and daddy and my four siblings (kahit pa kinupal ulit nila ako tungkol dun sa aking one-month romance na na-predict nilang walang mangyayari.) masarap pala ang pagkain dito — yum, yum…dami seafood at lechon (at feeling ko ay aatakihin ako ng high blood pag-balik ko sa lb).
ito na pala ang huling entry ko na tagalog. lately, napapansin ko ang unti-unting pag-deteriote (i dont know if its the right term) ng aking spoken and written english. marami na din ang nagsasabi na may mga lapses ako sa aking grammar. tanggap ko yun, dahil kahit pa ako ay isang guro dito sa UP, tao lamang ako at nagkakamali. but as an academician, i need to ‘upgrade’ my skills as befitting the demands of my work as an educator. likewise, i need to maintain that standard of quality in our educational system, and that includes, first and foremost, my proficiency in the english language–both in written and oral skills.
so ngayon na ang huling entry ko na tagalog. kinuntsaba ko na rin yung isa kong friend na mag-usap kami sa english (oy! hindi kami nagmamagandang sosyalera at coño). simula din ngayon, magpra-practice na ako magbasa ng malakas ng mga english materials, manunuod ng maraming english at american films at shows, magsusulat sa english, at kung may pera na ako ay mag-eenroll sa isang "improve your english" class.
at dahil huling entry ko na ito, susulitin ko na rin at gagamitin ang isa pang language na hindi din ako masyado proficient — ang bikol.
… nuarin mo kaya ako mapapansin? maaaraman mo daw kaya ang namamati ko para sa imo? dakulon na beses na gusto ko sabihon sa imo ang sakuyang namamati, dakulon mga pagkakataon na hinahagad ko na sana nakukua mo kung tano arog ako kaini sa imo—sa sakuyang mga gibo, mga sinasabi. pirmi akong naghahalat na mahiling taka, ta pagnahihiling taka na-oogma ako asin napapangirit. tinatawan mo ako ning rason para mag-ngirit. dura lex sed lex… tama ka. minsan, hinahapot ko na lang ang sadiri ko kung tama pa ba ang ginigibo kong ini. malamang dai na. may mga bagay-bagay akong dapat sinusunod, may ethics na dapat i-maintain, may sense of professionalism na dapat i-observe. dai ko na ata ini nagigibo. talagang dipisil suwayon ang batas…in the first place, hopeless case man kaya ini. dapat dai ko tinugutan na mangyari ini sakuya. ini ang pinaka-enot na pagkakataon na ginibo ko ini, ever. basta, na-oogma ako ta namidbidan asin nabisto taka. siguro, kung dai yan nangyari, dai ko naaraman kung panu ang feeling na ini. ngonian aram ko na…dipisil palan. padangat ta ka c**n!
naloka ba kayo? wehehehe…yan ang advantage ng maraming alam na language. kaya next sem ang number one sa aking to-do list ay mag-aral ng isang foreign language. siguro, spanish or chinese (to get in touch na rin with these part of my self)… till then!
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09.10.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 4:08 am by cla-uplb
hay naku! ang buhay nga naman! naloloka ako sa mga gagawin. syempre, kasalanan ko na rin dahil wala akong ginawa nung nakaraang weekend kaya nag-pile up tuloy yung mga scripts at mga tapes at reports sa mesa ko ngaun. hindi ko tuloy alam kung ano ang uunahin. shucks!
mahirap mag-concentrate ngayong mga panahong ito. maliban sa work, andyan ang isyu ng kung tama ba ang ginagawa kong pagkaloko sa isang tao na hindi ko dapat pagkalokohan. ang hirap naman! the ‘prince’ is so right, yet the circumstances make it so wrong. how could a princess get out of this muddled mess and have a happy ending? kapag maging honest ka kasi, hindi mo din naman alam kung saan ka pupulutin. rejection’s a good teacher. it makes me you take a step back and think about the wisdom of your words and actions. siguro, hihintayin ko na lang matapos ang lahat ng ka-windangan ng sem na ito. kung para naman sayo yan, ibibigay yan ni Lord eh. kung hindi, eh di hindi. basta, don’t let yourself be carried away by the sweet words and the smile and the intense gaze. if he’s for you, he will persist.
kelangan ko lang talaga magsulat. the walls of my room were becoming a silent witness to my agony and i suddenly got this claustrophobic feeling. writing’s a good release. it keeps me focused.
till then… 
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