01.11.07

if im not a teacher…

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:52 am by cla-uplb

Late last year, I took a lot of jeepney rides and Saturday afternoon walks. I was, as usual, indulging in bouts of self-pity again.

And one of the really persistent thoughts in my mind then, aside from the sorry state of my love life, was my career. I kept thinking about what my life would be like right now had I heeded my dad’s advice during the second semester of my freshman year in college to shift to Biology. The semester before that, I did an excellent performance in my Bio 1 class, and though the subject can hardly be considered as enough indicator of my potential and promise as a student of the hard sciences, it was pretty decent work for someone who never really fully understood the intricacies of the Krebs cycle and Genetics. He has always wanted someone in the family to become a doctor. And as the eldest, he thought he could move me into thinking that I’m cut out to be one. Unfortunately for him, I developed a different interest and my mind, sad to say, just can not accommodate all those medical facts. The ‘calling’ went to my sister who has the perfect drive, motivation, ambition, and intellectual capacity to guarantee her success in medical school.

I’m a teacher now. But in my moments of despondency, I wonder about how my life would be like had I really shifted to Biology and gone on to medical school after graduation. My sister’s now headed to med school, and I so envy her because after five years of poking dead bodies, doing rounds, she’d have a title attached to her name. Moreover, she knows exactly what she is, knows exactly what her job entails. I, on the other hand, would still probably be wondering if my life’s purpose is really in the academe or if I’m better off working somewhere else.

Of course, I wouldn’t allow my life to drift like this, aimless and utterly pathetic in my own standards. That’s just a thought. I value this phase of my life right now, my momentary stop-over as a teacher in this lifetime. Because, had I pursued a different path, I wouldn’t have…

… met my first bunch of students to call me Ms Chinky Eyes and Sweet Smile.

… received a friendly proposition from my students to become my

     boyfriends, one for every academic year of their stay in the university.

… met Dyqa, my cosmic sister in this chaotic universe.

… met Bao Luo who’s teaching me Chinese and helping me snag the

     preppy chinito guys.

… discovered that I’m a sucker for intense, passionate eyes, a sexy body,

     guy-next-door charms, and discussions on rationality, humanistic

     philosophy, truth and relativity.

… known Chan – and every memory is worth keeping.

… known Dodi, the only one who calls me Rise, and who knows me too

     well and understands me too well, the first one who wasn’t intimidated

     at all and who managed to break past my barriers.

… met Kti, a sis, a friend who renders me speechless with her unique Kti

     Alibanban charms.

… known Nica (the cutie with the hots for her former instructor – you can

     take a lesson or two from me, or I can recommend you to some of the

     students I know..hehe), Daphe (haciendera-cum-professional online

     player), Bernard (hindi kasawian ang walang girlfriend, friend. Peace!), 

     and the fresh batch of Sibolites, friends and orgmates.

… Thursday coffee dates with Sherwin, PJ, Lorie, Ranell and Jeff—who,

     because he’s the richest now among the five of us – buys us a bowl or

     two of popcorn to go with the caramel or mocha frappucino. Thank

     God for small blessings like Jeff’s benevolent heart! Hehe…

… free Purefoods Ham every Christmas – it’s CDC’s Christmas gift to us!

… a payslip as long and as big as a one-half length wise sheet of paper, but

     with numbers — never mind! At least I’m earning!

… known the company of Mia, Julz, Harold, Sasa, JP, Edmund, Leah – my

     former instructors, now my colleagues. Of course, there’s our senior faculty

     – people I never dared cross or disobey during my undergrad years, and

     whom I still don’t want to cross or disobey even now.

… known someone who asked me outright if I ever have crushes on students

… a daily greeting of ‘Good morning, Clarisse!”

… known the joy of projects and honorariums and all-expenses paid trips to

     Zambales and other places.

… experienced the excitement of a teacher’s first-day high when you

     wanted to render them speechless with your tight-lipped, unsmiling,

     mataray image of a terror professor. Hehe..

… experienced the first month eagerness and enthusiasm to check papers,

     scripts, tapes (even bring them at home on weekends) and the fifth

     month falling out of your love affair with said papers, scripts and tapes.

… known the joy of giving essay exams (because they’re easier to make)

    and the torture of checking them.

… experienced the beat-the-deadline-otherwise-you-get-a-memo hype

    during submission of  grades.

… long jeepney rides and Saturday afternoon walks despairing over my life.

… met all those students — from the punks to the rich, preppy, classy kids,

     from the inexcusably late to the overly obsessive compulsive types, from

     the GCs to the ‘i-don’t-give-a-****’, from the charming and friendly to the

     utterly stiff, aloof, professional types, from the genius to the average.

… an office with a view of the trees and the parking lot, a desk with metal

     caddies and pen holders, a steel cabinet containing all my lesson notes

     and handouts, complete with an assortment of magnets, and a

     corkboard with my pictures and the pictures of my ‘special friends’.

… known how it is to teach at my dream university –no matter the

     workload, the rigid tenure policies, the red tape, the dilapidated

     buildings and outdated equipment and yes, even the pay.

On the other hand, had I gone to med school, I would have met a lot of those smart, preppy, sexy, clean-looking, chinito doctors I like so much.

But I don’t believe in regrets. So I try not to regret missing out on the smart, preppy, sexy, clean-looking, chinito doctors.

Permalink 8 Comments

12.25.06

2006 christmas

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:38 pm by cla-uplb

Permalink 8 Comments

11.30.06

driving myself crazy

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:49 am by cla-uplb

There’s a song in my head right now, something I came across in my computer at the office a few days ago. It’s N’ Sync’s I Drive Myself Crazy —and yes, I am probably the corniest teeny-bopper one has ever known. I dig the ballads of my generation’s boybands — from Boyzone to Backstreet Boys to N’ Sync. Go on, you are allowed to laugh and say “Darn! Hindi ka lang corny, Clarisse. Jologs ka din! The ultimate jologs of them all!” Heheh…

And here are the lines I’ve been humming to myself during my solitary moments…

I lie awake

I drive myself crazy…

Drive myself crazy…

Thinking of YOU.

And let’s repeat that please…

I lie awake

I drive myself crazy…

Drive myself crazy…

Thinking of YOU….

Okay, STOP! You probably think I’ve gone completely insane with the way I’m going in this entry. After a week of lying in bed, awake, tossing and turning, indulging in bouts of self-pity, I’m sleeping peacefully now. I have stopped driving myself crazy thinking of you, which is good. It’s probably the lamest excuse but it’s the truth and though I promised I will stop obsessing over the matter, well… let’s just leave that particular train of thought unsaid. J

Perhaps I love myself too much that after three nights of lying awake in bed, I realized I do not have the desire to go ga-ga over someone, so I’m just going to have to stop thinking. Afterall, I have been accused of thinking too much and feeling too much. Perhaps a little ‘detachment’ would work for me this time.

And because it’s time to ‘reinvent’ myself, I decided to go for a short, short hair cut. I’m now sporting a boy’s cut these days. My colleagues and students have remarked that my hairstyle seems to be getting shorter and shorter –from my long, shoulder-length hair to the sexy (hehe) curls last year, to the sophisticated, younger-looking, layered style and now, to my boy’s cut. I remember telling my sister that I’m going to start growing my hair long, and I will only have it cut when I finally snag a boyfriend. My smart-aleck of a sister has the perfect reply. “Yeah, right. By then, I’m already an established doctor and you’re probably still waiting for him, your hair as long as Rapunzel’s. You can start living in your own tower.”

She may be right. Who knows? Or she may be wrong… but a haircut seems like a good way to start this ‘new life, new look’ mission of mine. Besides, I’m thinking of being a ‘boy’ for the next few months and exploring the exciting world of men and locker rooms and conquest stories. Hehehe…

And to this dear friend of mine, this one’s for you, girl…

Heartbreaks are always the beginning of something beautiful and new and liberating. After months of obsessing over that pathetic excuse of a guy, you see yourself in a new light, boosted by the ‘let-him-eat-his-heart-out’ mentality. Okay, you’re just being bitter.

But come on, crying your heart out every night wouldn’t do you any good. Challenged by his rejection, you suddenly want to change your image. You suddenly think about going back to the gym and shedding off those pounds. You suddenly want to be sexy and make him, yes, eat his heart out. You want him to regret playing with your emotions in the first place and then choosing someone else over you.

It makes you want to splurge your money on new clothes and new shoes because again, you want to feel beautiful and pretty and smart and sophisticated. It makes you want to learn a new language so that you can curse him without him understanding a word. Or if you’re really pathetic, you can go tell him “I still love you, jerk. What do I need to do to make you love me?” in a language he wouldn’t understand, saving you from a 90% chance of a second rejection. And believe me, a second rejection doesn’t speak well of your state of mind.

Heartbreaks make you focus on other things like your studies, your work, your desire to earn more bucks, your family, your well-meaning friends who were there for you from the start, dishing out well-meaning advice like ‘guard your heart’ and ‘keep your distance’ (of course, you didn’t listen, poor you). It makes you think about the things you had to temporarily put in the backseat when you met him because all you ever thought about was him. Now I’m sure your friends will have a respite from your stories of how great and good-looking he is. And they were just being good friends to you then, too kind to tell you to shut up.

And it reinforces that promise you made to yourself-before he came into your life—not to take any flirtations seriously, to be ‘detached’ and impersonal and rational, to think with your head and not with your heart, that all guys are just out for fun and you’re stupid if you let yourself get carried away.

At the end of the day, you tell yourself that you are this smart, beautiful, intelligent girl who wouldn’t settle for anything less than what you deserve. You appreciate yourself more, learn to love yourself more, even if you come off as a self-centered, bitter, pathetic girl who just got busted (which is technically true).

And you realize there are more pressing problems in this world — the nation’s state of affairs, the tuition fee adjustment in your university, your thesis and the prospect of graduation, the Rugby boys, the children selling sampaguita in the park, the chemical spill that you just read about in the newspaper, even Pacquiao’s distressing plan to run for public office — than your thoughts of the guy who told you that you’re just friends. Really, who are you kidding?

Permalink 6 Comments

11.22.06

i love this!

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:57 am by cla-uplb

FRIENDS FOREVER

I love this…seriously. hehe… Safe. Neutral. Not complicated at all. Just what i need.

I am at peace now.

Bow.

Permalink 1 Comment

11.20.06

mama on love

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:42 am by cla-uplb

I’ve always wondered why they say that mothers know best. Now I know. This silly, innocent, naïve child should have listened to her mother.

My mom would always tell me to look for a man who knows how to say “I’m sorry.” Not the curt, brief, sometimes growling ‘sorry’ that guys mutter under their breath, but the sincere, penitent “I am sorry” which they aren’t afraid of being overheard by other people.

She used to tell me to look for a guy who wouldn’t trample on my dignity, wouldn’t make me feel less of myself, wouldn’t make me feel or treat me like a rag. She cautioned against loving a person too much that you allow that person to run your life, make you feel inferior, less of yourself, much more, a person without her own identity.

She tells me about being my own woman, not a shadow of my partner. That no matter how much you love that person, no matter how much you want to follow him to the ends of the earth, you will always be YOU. And even if you’re supposed to have joint dreams and aspirations as a couple, you also have your own dreams and aspirations. She points out the importance of compromise and leveling-off. At one time, you may have to give in. And sometimes, it’s him who has to give in. But it shouldn’t always be YOU.

And while she tells me never to easily give in, she tells me about swallowing my pride and making the first move to say sorry especially if I’m the one at fault. I shouldn’t wait for the guy to kneel down in front of me just so to test his dedication or the depth of his feelings. Manipulation may work at first. Threats of a cool-off or a break-up may work at first. But it eventually loses its appeal, and come on, guys do get tired going after their girlfriend’s whims and trying to please them. 

She tells me never to go to sleep without resolving a problem. There are times when you need moments to cool down after an argument, sleep it off and talk about the problem the next day. But if you both can do it, try to solve the problem before going to bed. Wouldn’t it be better if you face each other in the morning smiling instead of exchanging angry, hurtful glances, or much more, ignoring each other?

Mom says never be blown away by the words. Don’t be dazzled by how smart or intelligent he is, by the number of words he knows in the dictionary, by how good he writes or speaks or talks, by how deft his hands are, by the beauty of his face, his height or even his sexy appeal. And because I have a stupid tendency of falling for smart, intelligent, not-exactly-geeky guys, she warned me against falling for the wrong reasons — mainly the intellectual stimulation the guy provides. Because, according to her, smart guys are usually stubborn, hard-headed men. They can be so darn rational and logical at times that it’s hard to get through to them. Everything has to have an explanation and it better be one that their rational, logical minds can comprehend. Of course, there are exceptions, but the fact still remains that the smarter one is, the more complicated things are for that person.

Of course, she didn’t tell me to go for a moron. Look for someone who’s a good conversationalist, understands what you’re saying and generally, provide you intellectual stimulation every now and then. But don’t go for someone who philosophize practically everything and all aspects of the relationship. The debates may be stimulating at first, but it gets tiring trying to argue the ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ of things. Love, in the first place, needs no philosophy, debates, or arguments of the metaphysics of life.

Smarting from a painful rejection from my first love, I complained to her about losing my Mr. Perfect. He’s someone my family would have been proud of –a decent guy from a good, reputable family, with a good career and all the good genes I would like to pass on to my kids. She wisely told me that I am not supposed to look for Mr. Perfect in the first place. Clarisse, an average guy would do as long as he’s kind, he loves you and understands you.

Well, of course, I forgot that advice again, because I blindly plunged into the river and now, I’m trying to save my heart and my pride. He’s someone my family would have approved of. Decent, kind, sensitive, more than nice-looking, and with a mind that blows me away sometimes –definitely all the good genes.  But alas, perhaps I was wrong in my being honest and refusing to play his game.

And yes, talking about honesty, my mom tells me about being open, talking about problems and each one’s expectations and trying to compromise. She tells me about being upfront, about not playing games with your loved one’s emotions.

Because love, according to my dear mama, is supposed to make you grow more as a person, make you feel more confident, give you security and stability. Love is supposed to make you appreciate yourself more, not demean you. Love is supposed to empower you and highlight your good points, and not the bad. And love is supposed to be about listening and respecting the other person. It’s not dismissal or turning a deaf ear to your partner. It’s about understanding and forgiveness. It’s about acceptance. It’s easy to accept the good things. But the true test of love is one’s willingness to accept the other person’s faults, and the other’s willingness to change their faults for the sake of their loved one.

Now, I don’t know if these words were something she learned from her own mama, from the romance pocketbooks she reads, from experience, or even from her own idealistic musings of a relationship. But the fact that I’ve taken a couple of crashes from my own fantasies —falling for the sexy appeal, the intellectual stimulation, allowing myself to be charmed by the big words — because I didn’t heed her words only show that perhaps it’s time I try to see the wisdom of her words.

Afterall, mothers are supposed to know best. 

Permalink Comments

10.27.06

a love story…don’t read

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:10 am by cla-uplb

Isang gabi pagkatapos ng Bagyong Milenyo

brownout…

sa bahay ni PJ sa Bayan…

The alley was dark. A group of punks were hanging out in one corner. Someone whistled and shouted an obscene word. A couple of them threw out dirty jokes. He was walking beside her and she hugged herself in an effort to block out the darkness and the fear.

He suddenly turned to her and said, “I’ll put my arms around you. Cuddle up close to me and forget about them. They won’t bother you if they see that you’re with me.”

She was too scared to argue so she just let him put his arms around her. The next moment they were riding in a pedicab (what could be more corny and jologs than a pedicab, of all things!). He was stroking her arm, caressing it as he listened to her stories. She was smiling and laughing up at him when suddenly she stopped talking. She looked at him for a long time and then, putting her mouth close to his ears, she whispered three words that she never imagined she would say to him…“Wo ai ni."

For a moment he just looked at her, his fingers making light, featherweight strokes on the insides of her arms. And then he smiled and kissed the top of her head. Whispering, he said, “I know. Ditto.”

Pagkatapos ng training

sa hotel room sa tacloban…

She couldn’t see where they were. All she could see was a hazy cloud of white and the two of them lying amidst the floating clouds, their heads close to each other.

They were talking and smiling and laughing when suddenly, she reached out and tried to fit her hands into his. It was a perfect fit as his hand reached out to grasp hers. Something sparked and their eyes met. It was an understanding.

The next moment, she was talking to him over the phone. There was a garden, lots of trees and her dad’s orchids.

“Is this what I think this is?” she asked in hushed tones.

“I love you. Do you want me to say it again?”

There was silence as she smiled. And then she replied, “Padangat ta ka.”

They were seated across each other in the long dinner table with some people. He was looking at her from across the table and their eyes communicated the silent joy, the exhilaration of the moment, the excitement of this secret feeling between them.

She suddenly stood up and told the people at the table that she’s leaving. He rose and announced that he’s seeing her to the door. Together, they walked to the exit, their hands close but not touching.

As soon as the door closed behind their backs, he turned to her and grabbed her at the waist. He smiled down at her and took her hand. “I love you”, he said at the same moment he touched his lips to hers.

It was a long sweet kiss.

…i shouldn’t go to bed on an empty stomach. i definitely should avoid sleeping in another bed other than my own. it seems like im being haunted by weird, funny dreams. and as they become more frequent, they’re also starting to bother me. and yes, i know who HE is. his face is as clear as the morning light, as alive as the memories i will carry of the semester that has passed. i probably should stop thinking… yes, i ought to stop thinking. perhaps if i stop, then this shall eventually pass…

Permalink 2 Comments

10.14.06

resignation

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:01 pm by cla-uplb

there are some things you can’t do anything about. and in the end, you just resign yourself to whatever was decreed to happen…you don’t fight it because it’s futile. and you don’t expect nor hope because it’s useless.

they come and then they go…they drift away…when the time comes that they need to go, you let them go. transient–that’s what they are, just like the feelings that they evoked in you, just like the memories.

and the most you can do is be happy that they came into your life and left something more than just a fleeting name and face. you learn from the experience and you move on yourself.

resignation…yes, resignation…

Permalink 5 Comments

10.04.06

wake me up when sembreak comes

Posted in Uncategorized at 6:30 pm by cla-uplb

could somebody please do this for me — wake me up when sembreak comes?

no rantings about my work this time — oh puhleezeee, what else is new? it’s still the same old thing. unless another super storm hits LB, i think work would always be work.

instead, i just want to close my eyes and remain in this wonderful, wonderful, wonderful fantasy…

… fate is both cruel and kind. she lets me see you and tortures me with your smiles and our conversations. perhaps she knows the end of this lunacy is near and she’d like me to have my fill…another story to write in my chronicles of aborted love affairs…

….someone once told me that special people deserve special treatment and special names. here’s to specials — chan: ni shi wo de zuei xi huan…

…yes, wake me up please when sembreak comes,because until then i am not ready open my eyes and go back to my reality…

Permalink 2 Comments

09.27.06

limbo

Posted in Uncategorized at 6:10 am by cla-uplb

im a zoombie these days, make that a lost, preoccupied zoombie. the papers on my desk in the office is in bad shape, a terrible mess if you call it, even if i have already brought half of those papers at home to check on weekends. welcome to the academe! no wonder teachers don’t get to have a social life anymore… tsktsktsk…

besides the papers and the tapes, there’re also the preparations for the Faculty Follies and the Loyalty Day Foot Parade, which brings me to the next point of my entry. i’m definitely going to start those dance lessons. we were practicing a dance number for the Follies presentation and it just felt sooo000ooo gooo000d! it felt good to sweat and to shake my body and to jump and sing my lungs out. it empties the mind of all the worries, releases all those endorphins in your body, and gets the blood moving again after a day of sitting on a chair, bending over a paper that you’re checking. it’s definitely a good break, a perfect diversion, and it gives you enough reason not to check the papers anymore and tell your students you’re returning them the next day instead because you’re needed in the practice. sweating like that and dancing like that reminded me of how good it felt to be a student, and yes, that i have a social life and that im capable of doing other things besides running that red pen over a page and scribbling down comments and deleting words and sentences.

call me a sucker for torture and self-inflicted misery, but somehow, the zoombie mode is a good escape from more depressing thoughts. work is the perfect escape from some other things you’d rather not dwell or think about. and you hide the hopelessness behind fake smiles and forced enthusiasm.

i know that you already know… its midnight and the princess has to go home. the fantasy would have to end…

Permalink 2 Comments

09.17.06

sa naga

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:15 am by cla-uplb

nasa naga ako ngayon. minsan lang ito (dahil ngayon lang ako nakaipon ng pamasahe para sa bus fare. whehehe…ang mahal kasi ng pamasahe). worth it naman ang pag-uwi ko. na-miss ko sina mommy and daddy and my four siblings (kahit pa kinupal ulit nila ako tungkol dun sa aking one-month romance na na-predict nilang walang mangyayari.) masarap pala ang pagkain dito — yum, yum…dami seafood at lechon (at feeling ko ay aatakihin ako ng high blood pag-balik ko sa lb).

ito na pala ang huling entry ko na tagalog. lately, napapansin ko ang unti-unting pag-deteriote (i dont know if its the right term) ng aking spoken and written english. marami na din ang nagsasabi na may mga lapses ako sa aking grammar. tanggap ko yun, dahil kahit pa ako ay isang guro dito sa UP, tao lamang ako at nagkakamali. but as an academician, i need to ‘upgrade’ my skills as befitting the demands of my work as an educator. likewise, i need to maintain that standard of quality in our educational system, and that includes, first and foremost, my proficiency in the english language–both in written and oral skills.

so ngayon na ang huling entry ko na tagalog. kinuntsaba ko na rin yung isa kong friend na mag-usap kami sa english (oy! hindi kami nagmamagandang sosyalera at coño). simula din ngayon, magpra-practice na ako magbasa ng malakas ng mga english materials, manunuod ng maraming english at american films at shows, magsusulat sa english, at kung may pera na ako ay mag-eenroll sa isang "improve your english" class.

at dahil huling entry ko na ito, susulitin ko na rin at gagamitin ang isa pang language na hindi din ako masyado proficient — ang bikol.

… nuarin mo kaya ako mapapansin? maaaraman mo daw kaya ang namamati ko para sa imo? dakulon na beses na gusto ko sabihon sa imo ang sakuyang namamati, dakulon mga pagkakataon na hinahagad ko na sana nakukua mo kung tano arog ako kaini sa imo—sa sakuyang mga gibo, mga sinasabi. pirmi akong naghahalat na mahiling taka, ta pagnahihiling taka na-oogma ako asin napapangirit. tinatawan mo ako ning rason para mag-ngirit. dura lex sed lex… tama ka. minsan, hinahapot ko na lang ang sadiri ko kung tama pa ba ang ginigibo kong ini. malamang dai na. may mga bagay-bagay akong dapat sinusunod, may ethics na dapat i-maintain, may sense of professionalism na dapat i-observe. dai ko na ata ini nagigibo. talagang dipisil suwayon ang batas…in the first place, hopeless case man kaya ini. dapat dai ko tinugutan na mangyari ini sakuya. ini ang pinaka-enot na pagkakataon na ginibo ko ini, ever. basta, na-oogma ako ta namidbidan asin nabisto taka. siguro, kung dai yan nangyari, dai ko naaraman kung panu ang feeling na ini. ngonian aram ko na…dipisil palan. padangat ta ka c**n!

naloka ba kayo? wehehehe…yan ang advantage ng maraming alam na language. kaya next sem ang number one sa aking to-do list ay mag-aral ng isang foreign language. siguro, spanish or chinese (to get in touch na rin with these part of my self)… till then!

Permalink 4 Comments